The experience of physical abuse which set you up for vulnerability is more violent than mine. However, the sense of isolation and the expectation of violation are reminders of my childhood.
Although our CSA were very different, the sense of being attracted to the abuser's attention is also a common experience. Though you are only 19, I can appreciate the similarities and the trauma of you years.
You may feel like 50, but I am 63, and I can assure you, you have opportunities for great healing overe the next 30 nyears until you truly are 50. My mother,s guilt was expressed in further avoidan ce of of ever talking about my abuse or my needs.
I am amazed that you are so brave to share your story with us, I could not haave done the same even at 29. There are also differences, my abuse was in the 60's while yours were in this century, for example there were no abuse hot lines back then.
Still I am glad you have found this website and feel sufficient safety to share. May you find the peace and healing that will reduce your confusion and isolation.
Go with God