I have ptsd and struggled with self harm as a way to contol my panic attacks for many year. After a lot of hard work and therapy I have been able to be safe for the past four years. Over the past 6 months I started noticing myself spiraling. I was having syptoms and thought patterns I hadn't had in years. I've fought it hard got therapy and medication. My H has been making a lot of comments latley about what a jerk I think he is and how I tell people that he's a loser. None of this is true and I try to reassure him but he is just projecting onto me what he feels about himself and there is nothing I can do about it.
I'm realizing now that the shit has piled up over the years. I have so much hurt inside over his drinking and blaming me and distancing.
I could feel myself cracking. I started not being able to sleep and having panic attacks again followed by hour or two long crying jags. I tried every coping mechanism I knew but nothing help sooth the hurt and disapointment.
A week ago I relapsed. H found out he asked why but I don't know how to talk to him about it without hurting him. Im so ashamed and not looking forward to therapy tomorrow. I feel weak and like a failure. My moms words keep haunting me. "How would it have impacted you if I. Had a mental breakdown while you were in recovery?" I know that my actions have hurt H and probably just reinforce what a failure he thinks he is. This makes me feel terrible.
I know how important it is that I keep myself healthy as a supporter this is key. I thought I could do it but now I feel like I am failing us both. I've been trying to figure out what about my situation is triggering me so bad. I keep coming up confused and sad.
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Everything comes from within