Bobcat -

i vividly remember the 1st time - the step-dad - in the shower together. i was 6 and of course - tiny. his was at eye level to me - and not only much bigger - but also hairy and gnarly looking. it was not only bigger - but also intimidating and scary. i don't remember feeling like i wanted to look like or be like that - more like the opposite. i thought he was gross. (he was the first abuser.) the things he did and the way he treated me - i didn't want to be like him in any way. he ridiculed me mercilessly - but not because of my size - but for being weak and wimpy and sissy and no good at anything that was manly and important. puberty was not a welcome time - because i felt like i was turning into him - physically. at that time i didn't know bigger was supposed to be better.

the 2nd time was in a locker room. i was forced to compare with a big buff jock who would have rivaled any porn star imaginable. at least that is the way i remember it. now i am beginning to wonder if BDD - body dysmorphic disorder - can apply to your perceptions of other people as well as the way you see yourself. i know now that i had a pretty high number of the symptoms that go along with that condition. he was my second significant abuser - as far as time span and impact on my self-esteem and self-image. (there had been others in between who were less traumatic.) compared to him i felt embarrassed and inferior and inadequate - however it wasn't just in the genital area - but all over - his height and physique and strength and sports prowess and popularity and leadership and everything - let me know i wasn't up to the standard. i now know that his need to dominate me was because i was a threat to his status - because i was 2nd biggest in that area in the school - but all i felt around him was insignificant. that was when i started wanting to be bigger - to be like him. and when i started compuslsively but secretly comparing with any other guy i could see and with any photos i could find. that usually just made it worse - especially the photos. even finding guys smaller than me didn't really do much to boost my ego.

a lot of my energy through the years has been wasted on comparisons and trying to reassure myself that i am OK. i am finished with that now. what helped? analyzing the whole story from start to finish and seeing it at a distance with objectivity and logic. Allowing myself to feel and express all the emotions that were so confusing and shameful at the time and say in concrete words what i was going through - to my T and to a friend and to my wife. knowing that they do not judge me or think less of me and actually like me the way i am - and that the stats that i place so much importance on are not all that important to them. and yes - my lover/wife - has said that she likes it/me the way i am. she enjoys looking and touching me and playing with me and she likes how i can make her feel. she is satisfied - so i am too. (but i still wish i was more muscular and my face was more handsome!)

don't know if any of this is helpful but - since you asked...
lee
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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho