Here it goes.
My husband and I have been married since July. Second marriage for both of us, five children between us, all teenagers from middle school to college age.
He is my best friend and 90% of the time he is funny and fabulous. Our sex life is great, frequent and fulfilling for both.
In the past several months, I've noticed several things:
1. He's drinking too much. He always has something to drink (tea, soda, etc.), but at night he'll start on alcohol and continue with it like he's drinking tea or water. Inevitably, at some point, he's getting drunk (or at least pretty tipsy).
2. I'm never quite sure which version will emerge in the drinking. The happy guy I love or the guy that snaps and becomes combative, controlling, jealous, mean and spiteful.
3. Little things will trigger the Jekyl and Hyde but it's almost never when he's sober. He might get a bit moody (not often) but never ugly sober.
4. He's a bit OCD on things like lists, iron unplugged, oven off, stove off, etc.
5. He has been actively looking for reasons I might leave him or don't show him love. Then apologizes and says I love him more than anyone ever has...
We have known of each other since we were in seventh grade. Had lots of mutual friends in high school but didn't really talk then. We both went our ways, college, work, etc., and 'remet' a few years ago via high school reunion and facebook group for our school. He captured my heart with his sweetness, his humor and his love. All those things remain true.
Last night was when he told me a 14 year old "friend" molested him when he was seven. He'd never told anyone and lived through the pain for this long. (We are both 48.) He told me a brief detail (probably as much as he could...)along with some of the after effects (an attachment to a stuffed toy and pretending it had powers of protection, etc.)as he grew up. He's very protective of his kids (although he's getting better there...as we've melded families, he's less likely to over-protect as I mention we have to let them and need to help them grow up).
When asked if counseling, together or separate would help...he's not ready. I don't want to push. I want to help. I love him deeply. I am angry that it happened to an innocent child and there's never been closure on any level. His parents don't even know, nor do his siblings.
I want to help. I'm at a loss as to how. I'm guessing the drinking is for pain...the outbursts could be the end of us one day if we don't figure the path forward.
Advise is much appreciated. I've found this today and will likely tell him about it when we discuss again...
Thanks...I'm reeling, but it's nothing compared to his torture for 41 years.