Hay cee, yes it is so much to carry all of the loss rejection humiliation. What could have been, what should have been. So much pain on so many levels.

We must find a systematic way to deal with our wounds and heal. So far for me it's all been on the surface. Some deep healing but not enught of the real deep stuff. I know there are ways to get this healing. I am hope full that we will get better. Every bit counts. Maybe we always carry the scars of what happened but that's ok with me. I just want days in the sun. Maybe that's asking to much. But as I read through all of the anger pain and suffering I also see real healing hope and life giving brake throughs and freedom. The people that seam to be getting better are trying to get better, I can see that.
I have spent a lot of time maintaining and managing the effects of my abuse. Not that this was not a necessary thing for me to do but I am ready to get a hold of the traumatic mess. Piece by piece if I half to. Accept, forgive, put it in Gods hands to sort it out for eternity. Receive true healing into the deepest trauma. I know the is possible. I have seen and experance it. EMDR is another way to get the mind unstuck from traumatic memory's, so natural healing and resolution can occur. I know this works, I have seen it, experance it.

We can get much better then we are, I know this to be true.

Sexualiesd Confusion, Shame, Trama, Layers on Layers of Pain, Isolation, Dayly Trigers, Re Traumatizing Efects of the Trigers,

It can all get much better. We need help. And to get help we need to trust. And that's we're I have been stuck. I am just maintaining all of this shit for some future out come.

I am tired of maintaining. I want to get better. I half to find people who can help me get better.

I don't want to go back through the traumatic memories that made me split off from my self. To much like going into hell again. Real fear I might not survive the truth of just how bad it was. I have to go through at least 5 traumatic events and some how I think there may be more.

I want to get better,

I want all of us to get better.

It's not a race but it is a direction.

I need to set a course to getting the help I need
the help I want and I want it as a gift to myself.

If I die or lose my mind in the process at leased I do so trying to live better then another ten years of maintaining.

Trust Healing Freedom Repeat - That's my plan

I half to try. I think this is doable.

The shame is overwhelming. The though of exposing my shame is probably as bad as reliving the Trama.

We must love our selfs enught to get the help we need to get better.

This is a not going to be easy at all for me. Probably why I haven't gotten there quite yet.

Take care cee

Take care all of you and hang in there