You remind me of one of my favourite passages...To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
-Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5.
Yes, I suffer from chronic insomnia. And sometimes, when I can't sleep, I read the classics. Even Shakespeare. He was a wise dude, old Bill...
But in this instance, I like to think that he is wrong. Or at least taking the wrong perspective. In the bigger scheme of things, our lives may not have much of a point, but look closer - my life matters to my daughter. The fact that you wrote this here, and made me think, means that your life matters to me. Who knows how much this can mean to someone else who reads it? If you touch one person, once, your life matters.
I'm like a computer program that's entered a paradox, a function that keeps looping. Quite literally, it does not compute. I've fallen into infinity and I can't get out.
I don't believe that everything is pre-destined. If our lives are a computer programme, its a script that can be changed - even at runtime. If we are in an infinite loop... perhaps we cannot change the condition that will allow us to escape, but we CAN change the properties that have to fulfil it. To escape from this loop of memories and questions and pain... we need to find peace. If we can be at peace with our past, we don't have to keep asking the questions.
What will bring you peace? I'm beginning to understand what will bring me peace - being able to accept myself fully and completely, being able to let go of "If only...", and most importantly, to let go of the anger/resentment - the "they should have...!". I believe that would bring be peace, and enable me to fulfil the conditions that will allow me escape from this loop...
PS: Sorry - that probably makes no sense at all, unless you understand something about computer programming...