yesterday i had a very uncomfortable experience. i got volunteered to participate in a vocal ensemble that will perform in a talent show. yesterday was our first practice. i am ok with acting in front of an audience - or speaking before a group, but singing is not my thing. i don't read music and for most of the rehearsal i was totally lost. i felt like the outsider and the misfit - familiar feelings - but ones i try to avoid by not attempting things that i don't feel successful or competent about. like sports. and dancing. and anything musical. and most forms of competition. and activities that have time limits and require speed.
so - i gritted my teeth and got through it. (very difficult to sing that way!) my wife had volunteerd us to take part and i didn't want to disappoint her. she thought it would be an enjoyable project to do together. she does things with me that i like but are not her preference, so i felt i should reciprocate. but i was miserable and she could tell. afterwards she asked what was wrong.
part of it is the lack of control. part of it is feeling like being compared unfavorably with others. part is feeling inferior or inept. with art or drama - i know what i'm doing. with music - i am a rank blunderer.
i hate it that everything in my life always seems to come back to abuse. i know why i feel this way. the step-dad - 1st CSA abuser - was also verbally abusive and frequently compared me to his 2 dead kids who were apparently musical prodigies. i couldn't learn from my mistakes or by tial and error or gradually improve. i always had to do it right the first time. i was never good enough so i quit trying.
i love music - enjoy listening to a wide variety of styles - and have always wished i could have had the chance to develop musical ability without the excess baggage. but this is so difficult.
don't know whether it is worth trying to overcome the triggers - or just cut my losses and drop out. i know it would probly be "good for me" to see it through. and i hate to let my wife down. but i'm not sure i have the strength right now to do it.
A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense to not himself.
Or just as mad.
So there you are.
Stark raving sane.
- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead