thank you all.

i just feel sick this morning. and feel like i'm 13 again. i was OK until i got to campus. the investigator is still here. i cringe every time i see him - as if i had something to hide. it is really obvious that my triggers still work - even though i've learned to handle them better.

the boy who was pulled out for questioning - i don't know if he was suspected of being a victim or a perp - that is confusing and disturbing to me. i think one thing it reveals is that even the thought of both roles make me feel guilty, dirty and ashamed. it is so weird to grapple with that concept - i KNOW the whole "You are not to blame. It wasn't your fault." mantra. and i have urged it on others many times. but it is still hard to get free of that residual tainted feeling.

so, anyway - as soon as i put 2 and 2 together yesterday i went to see my wife. i really needed a hug - just to feel safe arms around me and someone to tell me that i am all right. that helped for a while. good move, eh, Sam?!

after school, though - she had a long meeting and i was alone and i lost it. i reverted to looking at p0rn. i was even conscious of what i was doing - self-calming - and did it anyway. it did help me feel more in control and less anxious for some crazy reason - for a while. but i don't feel good about it now. ironically, if anyone here knew - they would think i was a danger to the kids - which couldn't be farther from the truth.

i guess i've still got some work to do.

it would be difficult for me to speak to this boy about it. the only real contact i have with him is supervising study hall. he is not in any of my classes or other activities that i help with. there is no reason that he would trust me any more than the counsellors. at least the regular one at our school is good. i don't know... at his age, i'd have just denied everything and shut down. the last thing i'd have done is to talk about it with any adult. i hope he can get help - at least he's on the radar.

anyway - that is the latest. don't know if i will ever know more. in a way - i hope i don't - because if i hear more, it will most likely be because there is something more serious to be aware of.

lee
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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho