Something strange happened the other day. My wife and I were in the middle of an argument with no end in sight. I haven't slept well for about two weeks and this was getting to both of us. I was sitting at my computer shaking, full of anxiety and rage towards myself. Why the rage was towards me and not aimed at someone else I am not sure. But none the less, I was shaking uncontrollably. My wife sensing I needed a hug came up behind me and placed her hand on my shoulder. The shaking stopped and my eyes closed. I, no longer feeling any anxiety, started to giggle inside and I felt light and free. I could feel a smile start to form on my lips. As her arms came down around my chest, the light free feeling I felt inside changed to fear. All of a sudden I felt the arm of my uncle rapping around me from behind, and I smelled the air of his apartment. I was fourteen years old and sitting at his kitchen table wearing a pair of shorts and a tank top. I was so scared I could not move or speak. I could only sit there and wonder what he was going to do next. The excitement racing through my body started to give way to feelings of relaxation. I knew what he was doing and wanted it to happen. Because when ever he touched me that way I could have sex. I could enjoy the love we shared. I could feel good. I needed the drug called love. I needed to hear him say how wonderful I felt, and how great I was. It was the only compliments I could get. No one else seemed to care about me. Why shouldn't I spend time with my uncle? He was there to look after me. He cared about what I felt and thought. He wanted to give me what ever he could to make me happy. I will want him again and again because it is the only thing that can make me feel good. He promised to never hurt me. He lied. Then a touch of sadness, followed by humiliation and discuss filled my heart as I realized I would only be setting myself up again. After we finish and after the initial joy of release is gone, I will feel empty and lonely. I will wonder why I ever let him into my life. Why I was letting him control me that way. Why? Then, just as quickly as it appeared the feelings were gone, I realized I was not fourteen but thirty-six. I was not at my uncle's home but in my home with my wife's arms around me. My eyes were not filled with joy, or tears, but only with sadness for the little boy I once was.
My depression did not go away immediately but a couple days later, and the argument with my wife went on for yet another day. But I know in the future I will find it difficult when arguing with her, because when I needed to relive the pain of that touch, she was there for me.
Still to this day, it is hard to believe the hold that man had over me. I turned my back on the few friends I had, and the girls friend I wanted, just to be near him. Just to feel what I thought was love from a man that only knew how to cause pain and sarrow.
The hug from my wife lasted only 10 seconds, the memory will last a life time.
Thank you God for your love and for showing me the truth he hid from me. Thank you NOMSV for being here for me and supporting all survivors with your LOVE.
"Please love and protect all children, they are the future of us all!!"