Hello,

I'm a twenty-something wife of sexual abuse survivor, and I greatly fear that he'll find out I've joined this discussion board, but the abuse done to him and the affects on his and our life have been weighing on me lately. He's my best friend and the love of my life, but he's also extremely private and asked that I never disclose what's happened to him to others. I hope that the anonymity of this place will excuse me of betraying his trust on this subject.

A little bit of background on his situation:

He was sexually abused by his adoptive step-father when he was just a young child. His abuser wasn't in his and his mother's lives for very long because the man was also physically violent towards my husband's mother, which led to their divorce. After the divorce, to my knowledge, the man wasn't in my husband's presence ever again.

As an adolescent, my husband began exploring his sexuality by acting out sexually with a male relative of about the same age. My husband was a willing participant but took a submissive role in the acts.

In at least one instance, the above adolescent relative brought a male neighbor into their activity who then sexually assaulted my husband against his will.

My husband and I both identify ourselves and bisexual, though I have never participated in same-sex activity nor do I have a strong desire to do so.

My husband told me of all this back when we were still dating as teenagers. It was very difficult to do so, of course, and I offered my love and support. Ever since that time, however, he has closed back up on the subject and wishes to leave it in the past. He has no desire to seek professional counseling and feels that he is "over it." I have a harder time being "over it" because he has interest in gay sex (pornography, fantasies, role-playing) which affects me, and I have a hard time not connecting any fetishism/desires he has with the abuse he suffered as a young child and teenager.

The major reason I have been stuck on these issues lately is because his ex-stepfather/abuser has shown up on Facebook, and even worse, my mother-in-law has actually befriended him. I guess she can forgive him of the domestic violence, but if she knew the full extent of his abuse in their household, she'd want to kill him. This man is a homeless, convicted sex offender in the state in which he lives (convicted of a crime against an adult woman though). I've managed on multiple occasions to report his accounts to the Facebook staff and have them removed because convicted sex offenders are not allowed on the site. However, currently, the man has slightly changed his name and hasn't uploaded a photo which I could then link to the sex offender registry profile. He's actually tried to "friend" myself and my husband, which we simply reject, but I've been tempted to send him a message to let him know just what I think of him. I just don't want to get in trouble since I've imagined violently assaulting him in order to punish him for what he did the the most important person in my life...


So...there I've typed a lot and I could type a whole lot more. I hope to find some sort of outlet for all thoughts, feelings, and issues swirling in my brain. Any help from you all would be wonderful.

P.S. My husband's and my last name is the same of his abuser since that man adopted him and had his birth certificate changed. I have to live with the last name of a vile human being and very much wish to have our name changed to my husband's 2nd stepfather, the loving man who raised my husband and is involved in our lives on a regular basis. My husband doesn't want to go through the hassle of changing our surnames, but I fear this will become more of an issue in my mind if/when we have children. I would never want to brand my children with a last name that I associate with evil.


Edited by doubleL (12/10/12 04:23 AM)