I never told her till year 16 of marriage. After one advanced degree earned together. After two children. After the dream-house in "the neighborhood" was acquired. After the Mountain house was being built.
I deserved her reaction. She deserved her reaction. We are free to react how we want or choose or need to react. There is no grand court in heaven that says she must do this and must do that.
I was 7.5 years old when it happened for the first time. I never told. I attacked the bad older boys. Still never told.
I was violently abused at home. home violence was so bad I still can't think about it or talk about it. I never sought help.
The sexual abuse went on under the sword of Damocles. I allowed it. I chose to take that path.
I returned to the abusers endlessly till i was 14. I never stopped once till then.
I never disclosed, never charged, never sought revenge, never sought help...I was self destructive and a had mind like a bucket of slimy eels. I acted my way through.
When I finally disclosed, among the rejections and disgusting looks of contempt, I was also NOT given something. I was NOT given ONE "it was not your fault." NOT ONE.
I Still have not heard those words from anyone who was a player in my life.
I can hear it from books, Ts, online friends. but I've not heard those words yet...not from anyone in my past or present.
My wife did say it initially, but very officially retracted the "not" and struck greatly deliberately that it WAS in fact MY fault. The judge said so, The opposing lawyers...all agree.
Still! Still not one family member has ever said "it was not your fault."
I'm "that guy."