hi seikei

I don't know if it is to late to be relevant but I sdo know rage. I have learned that is something for me which begins with fear or danger. (It triggers the amygdala). I "know" I must protect myself. One method is rage. It is one I am familiar with so it is easy. It also has the advantage of suppressing sadness.

For me what triggers my reaction is the fear that I cannot protect myself. This belief is consistant with the reality of my childhood. If I think back to circumstances of my childhood, I will be very sad and may not be able to cope at all. So I hold onto the rage and nurture it. It feels like it is consuming me. mI review how I behaved looking for where I was wrong and why the rage is a bad reaction (or over reaction). The truth for me is that it is protection from the sense of danger that I expect when "attacked" (or treated rudely or with disrespect). To hold onto the feeling of rage is a defense againt the reexperiencing of my childhood, the overwhelming reality that I was without power and those who could protect me would attack me, or betray me by leaving me with no protection from the attacker.

It is possible to find that sense of peace, to quiet your mind and get your breath back. But, if you are like me, you will need the rage until you access the method you use to find peace.

I hope you understand that it is not unusual for us, meditation, breathing, promoting an awareness of the present are all methods to peace. As you continue your journey, you will find that it takes less time to get to peace. But understand. It is now 46 years since my last molestation. I am 63. It is not an overnight matter.

I hope my experience is useful