Been meditating on this the last couple of days. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it an instant experience, and create a break through moment out of it.
But that isn't happening. What IS happening is that the more I meditate on it, I become increasingly aware of how I am treating myself with the internal dialogue. Am I chastizing myself? Am I loathing myself? Criticising myself? If I am, it smacks in the face of the VERY thing I desire - intimacy with another human being. It is what I want more than anything else in the whole universe - authentic intimacy and closeness with another.
My therapist surprised me a few days ago and said that I will always be seeking out the experience to fall in love until I find it and have it because it is necessary for my growth. Because I never experienced being completely connected to another (ie: connected to my parents), then this part of growth is dependent on the experience, and thus, I feel this driving need to experience it. Blew me away that he suggested that, instead of trying to get me to look at why I'm so fixated on having this romantic love experience.
Anyways, I diverted from the point ...
As long as I continue to hurt myself with the thoughts of self loathing, I will not be able to create that safe space in my heart for me to be in.
Now it is my responsibility to create this safe space so that I can invite others in to share it with me. And part of my responsibility is to take control of the negative self thinking and to stop it.
I just wish I knew how to stop the compulsion for negative self loathing thoughts. I've gotten a lot better at it over this past 2 years, but the compulsion is still there, and especially shows up when I have a disappointing experience.
One thing I'm going to do differently is follow through on my plan to start working with kids again. I know that I have value in relationships with kids, that they love the hell out of me, and I love being the cool adult having a great affect in their lives. I can see value in myself when I am mentoring a younger one.