Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
It seams I have two categories of thoughts, those I talk about and those I don't.
The second category seams to be growing.

i lived that "double life" for a long time, too, SmartShadow. there was definitely lots more going on inside my head than was evident on the outside. at first, when i was starting to deal with the issues, i just couldn't let it out. my wife wanted to be supportive, but i had perfected such a habit of secretivity that i didn't know how to "show up in the marriage" as you so aptly put it.

here's what helped me - my T encouraged me to write out my memories and thoughts and even feelings. this took a lot of time, but also made me examine and identify and put it all into words - which helped me understand what was going on - instead of a confusing chaos of mixed emotions, images, half-formed ideas and reactions. once i had made sense of things - i could read the resulting journal entries to the T and i increasingly was able to read more of them to my wife, too. she appreciated being included in the process.

i have continued to write as i get better at figuring things out - but i no longer have to take so long to analyze what is happening and interpret it for myself or for my wife and/or the T. i am improving at having a shorter time lag between my reactions and identifying the thoughts or emotions and putting it all into words. in fact i rarely have to read anything to anyone. i can just say it with more comfort and self-confidence and composure.

it might help.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho