I'm sorry that you've been unable to find someone to talk to. Crying is hard, but it cleanses the soul. I hope you can get there. And yes, therapy of any sort is a long process...and difficult.

Everybody here understands all or some of your pain. My experience has been that I get the most feedback when I post specific things and questions.

I lost a good friend to suicide about two decades ago, but I don't think I can imagine fully the pain you must be feeling today. Know that you're not responsible for his choice to do this. I don't of course know what he was feeling, but I would guess that he knew no other way for the pain he was in to go away. He felt helpless. It's heartbreaking.

Please reach out. We are here and we understand and we care.
You're not alone.