This topic kills me. It is by far the thing on which I cry the most in T sessions. I've discussed it on the boards before too.
I dissociated my CSA and never saw it as a consequential part of my life until it took control of what was left of my life about 7 weeks ago. Growing up I was always attracted to both sexes more or less equally. I was ashamed and disgusted by this and tried to suppress the male-oriented thoughts as best I could. After a decade of misery and personal growth I accepted myself as bi and everything became so much better, clearer, free-er. Then I came here and for the first time ever learned of "CSA --> SSA" and it just felt like all that work was for nothing and maybe I had been / still was straight but with a CSA "asterisk".
Some people on page 4 of this thread spoke right into my soul: it's not the attraction itself that is bad, once youve accepted it - rather it's the idea that it might not have been your real self. "It makes me feel less free as a human being," one of them said. Yes, yes, yes.
A few other thoughts:
The very concept and terms for "heterosexual" and "homosexual" are only about 120 years old and are not universal across all cultures. Pre-20th century Western culture homosexuality was considered something men DID, not what they WERE, and it was understood that men could want or do these things while not defining themselves that way and still living societally acceptable mainstream lives by the standards of the time. And in parts of Asia, Pacific island cultures, the Middle East, and cultures of antiquity like Greece and Rome - there were quite different understandings of how normal, acceptable, and in some cases even mandatory and enforced (Pacific islands and central Asia) same-sex encounters were. I tend to think that with a cultural "blank slate" most men would get horny / lonely / curious / affectionate / grateful enough to occasionally indulge in same sex encounters while primarily seeking out women - but then that's what I WOULD say, now isn't it?
Looking in the animal kingdom only backs up that view - one species after another where same-sex couplings take place in the context of still pursuing opposite sex mates. The lifestyles of our close relative the bonobo is near legendary, I assume I don't need to elaborate.
This is in no way meant to delegitimize the feelings or orientations of those who identify as primarily or entirely gay. I hope it didn't come across that way and if it did I apologize. There are plenty of things unique about humanity and there's no reason that can't be one of them.
Brains are complicated things, not intelligently designed but adapted for whatever worked best at the time. And human consciousness, awareness, identity, choice, fantasies, are just a flimsy tissue overlaying a consuming reproductive drive that is over 600 million years older than that. The two don't always see eye to eye and the big head does NOT always control the little head. Plenty of guys here had their bodies betray them and could likely attest to the falsehood of that particular fortune cookie slogan. If the big head controlled the little head we'd be extinct. Every cave or village where the women were ugly - there'd be no one left. The Black Death killed a third of Europe, people buried their entire families, entire generations, entire villages... and a year or two later the surviving women would all be pregnant, and it wasn't because everybody felt safe or healed or "over it." There are some things you can't think around because no one will really understand them.
CSA takes that absurdly complicated instinct-to-individual relationship and makes it even more awkward and weird.
Thanks, perps. Wouldn't be the same without you. :p
Edited by SoccerStar (12/07/12 09:04 AM)
"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny