Thank you, everyone. I really feel like I've made a major breakthrough and it's good to have someone I can share it with, who gets it
Self-blame is a sort of reverse form of empowerment - it turns chaos into order. Someone suffering trauma can't bear the thought that it just happened because terrible things happen, because people can attack you and you can't control them, that it could or could have happened again. "There was a cause - it was ME - I did this" can be better at the most vulnerable stages than "Shit happens - you were defenseless - people really can be that unpredictable, dangerous, and evil."
Well said. Knowing that I was defenceless and that I really had no control over what happened is scary. However, I don't think the feeling of control was worth the guilt and self-loathing that came with feeling responsible.
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def LeppardMy Story
, Part 2My blog