CG - i am in awe, too - of your courage, of your trransformation from that boy to who you are now - and of your GF - who is obviously a treasure!

Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
Looking into my own eyes, age 15, I saw myself for the first time as an innocent victim. I saw the blank stare in that young boy's eyes and realised that I had been judging that boy by a rational adult's standards. I blamed him for rebelling and provoking his abusers. I blamed him for not fighting harder. I blamed him for turning to drugs and self-injury. People have always told me that I was just a child trying to cope, but I had never felt it before. Yesterday, I felt that young boy's pain. It was a physical ache that overwhelmed me, body and soul. At the end of my 90 minute T session, I understood that I had always chosen to cling to the shame and the guilt because it was safer.

Admitting my own innocence left bare the real emotions - mostly the unbearable pain of knowing that nothing I could ever do or say, would have earned me the relief or the love I craved. I think believing that I could have had a better life if I was a better kid was easier than accepting that I would not have been loved, regardless.

I feel so deeply sorry for that boy.

But you know what? "Unbearable pain" isn't strictly accurate. I bore a piece of it yesterday, and I survived. It didn't kill me. Yesterday, I cried more than I have ever cried in one day before. Today, I feel stronger than I have ever felt.


this is so profound.

i had to brace myself and prepare to read the post, because i had an intuitive feeling of what it would be. and then i read it 3 times - as well as your other linked post.

you not only "feel stronger than (you) have ever felt" - you ARE stronger.

i am honored to have "met" you!
Lee
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"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho