I wish I had more time to reply, but this is what I have right now, forgive the shortness and the directness. You are right.., right on the precipice of discovery. You know these words, your 10 years of social work tells us the reason. Discovery is the awareness of the subdued or warped thinking versus our desire to live by the thoughts, feelings and behavior we know are are the best for us, a process.
I found the hardest, the most vile self loathing feelings when I was in front of or during the first part of discovery. I wanted to throw up, pass out and give up, all at once. Sit with it, let it come over you. This is the hurt part of your personality showing you now what you have covered over, the discovery of painful, traumatic, felony perpetration that controlled and overwhelmed you. It is try to come up so that it may come out.
Sit with it, honor it as you have in your office listening to children tell you the horror they live with, listen and honor you. You need a social worker, belated decades ago, to listen and to rescue you, and your right, there is only you now, but your are enough.
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014