I know you guys are trying to be helpful.
You really can't. Words, however true or insightful, have not been able to break thru.
Iím caught in a maze that has no exit, until I die.
Iím NOT living a good life. I am alive. I am aware that I exist.
As a Social Worker for 10 of the last 17 yrs, I have been able to help some kids break the cycle of abuse that they endured. Yes, that was great. It's not enough. I thought that it would be, but it's not.
Perhaps I am trying to fill that emptiness I feel, with those successes. If that is so, then I am in this field for the wrong reasons.
Yet, I personally, have never had long term success, at any job I have EVER held.
And THAT, is what my perp always told me would happen.
Whether he could see my future and took advantage of it, or created it, or convinced me of my lack of self-worth, makes no difference now. I am consistent at one thing. Failure.
I have always fought against it, & still do, yet his words Always ring true eventually.
My fragile self-esteem, hangs on the ability to make a positive difference, in whatever I am doing.
If Iím not doing that, I feel pretty worthless.
Any help I feel I may have made at this site, allows me just enough to tread water for a couple hours.
For years, I believed I would overcome this.
I don't believe it anymore.
It's another lie. A "pipe dream".
I have No wish for death. I would like to feel good about myself, believe in myself.
I often say, "I get knocked down, but I get up again".
I'm tired of this cycle. I don't want to get knocked down, yet again.
It's not the past that has me depressed now; it's my resent (last 2 yrs) & current inability to find & keep a job, which has me so low. Having my family & friends tell me Iím a smart guy, does not help. It makes me feel so much more defective. It means my Perp was/is right.
My longest successful job, was the 13 or so yrs, I was a personal sex toy. I even failed at that eventually. Thatís not sarcasm, it is the reality of this rather pathetic existence.
And, if there is a God, he must enjoy to make me cry as my perp. Every time I turn to him, he doesnt carry me, he throws sand in my eyes. And when I get mad, he gives me a kick while i am down.
All I have is me, & that isn't enough.