I'm single and have never been in a real relationship. I've never been in love nor had a girlfriend nor have I ever had a sex. On one hand, I don't want to be married. If more than 50% of marriages fail then why bother? And seeing as how those rates are even higher for military members the whole thing seems pointless. I'm 23, certainly not old, but when I talk to guys who are 18, 19 and 20-years-old and they tell me about how they're engaged or just got married I think to myself "Really, you're 18-years-old, you're still practically a kid. Why the hell would you want to be married at 18?" It just seems so pointless with having to worry about commitment issues, cheating, money, kids, religion, the constant travel and relocating that comes with being in the military and all the other bullshit that goes along with it. Why bother?
On the other hand...
God, only knows how much I long for someone to hold at night. I am so incredibly lonely. I have nobody who loves me, only family who love me, I feel, because they have to. I want someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone to share everyday with. I've never held another person's hand in a loving way, nor have I ever kissed anyone. I've never been in love before even though I crave it constantly. Secretly, I am partly jealous of those 18-year-olds because they have succeeded at something I have not: they have found love. No matter if it rushed or juvenile or poorly planned, they've found someone who loves them. I cannot do the same.
In high school I thought I had a girlfriend until my T told me that wasn't a real relationship. It was all a show to prove to my friends that I wasn't gay and it quickly fizzled into nothing. Since then I have longed for something more than just a momentary infatuation. I have lusted over someone, but never have I looked at someone and said to myself "I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this person." Its never gotten past the "Hey, they sure are attractive" stage and I don't know if it ever will. When I see my future I see a lot of things but being in a relationship just isn't one of them.
Does anyone else deal with this? How do you get over it?
Yet another 24 hours.