I think CSA / childhood trauma survivors are scared of everyone and everything. At least, that has been the case for me.

Much of it unconscious. Best way I know how to describe it is a sense of dread and anxiety every time I know someone's attention is directed at me. I know an interaction is imminent, and my anxiety level climbs. Even a simple "Hi" would case me to have that sensation. It's never a thought I have, but a physiological reaction.

In my life path, I have discovered Alanon to be a safe and affirming place to be within a group. There are many survivors there dedicated to their recovery. I guess I am blessed to be in SF where there are many gay men in these groups. So I have been going there for 3.5 years now. I still struggle to build relationships with individuals in the group, but in the Group, I feel a sense of safety and assurance.

Any other group, I felt that same discomfort, and even after trying for years to assimilate into other groups, I still couldn't.

I also discovered that I'm a great teacher. A 'maestro' as one other accomplished instructor called me. I didn't believe her.

This has always puzzled me. That I can be fearful and anxious most of the time around most people, but NOT the case when I'm teaching.

I think I finally made sense of it last week - those situations when I'm teaching - I'm in CONTROL. It's a control thing. When I feel like I'm in control, I can manage that anxiety/tension/fear response. That is true of any dynamic in any relationship I have with others. As long as I feel like I have control...

I'm also very curious how a Male Survivor type support group would be formulated. I know ASCA has the 21 steps, and there's always the 12 steps, but I don't think the 12 steps apply to male survivors. We are a different lot.

D
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It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).