I live in a disconnected state most of the time. I have developed an emotional delay mechanism that alowes me the time to appear in control and togeather. Yet I rarely feel togeather. I find an almost constant unsettled state when I look inward. It is as if I want to come out of my self and live. Problem is the real me must be controlled and managed. I think I learned this very early on. I play a part in a life that is good and needs to be protected from the harm the iner me could inflict. Self centered, Greedy, Lustfull, Self sabotaging and the like. There are of corse good aspects of the iner me that I attempt to let out, but the high levels of control stifle much of who I am and what I feel.
This is most difiacult on my close relationships. It is very difiacult to become present and be seen as intrested and in gaged for any length of time. Some times I get a flash of anger, controlled of corse, when my wife try's to share her experance or process about something trivial. It's like a mass of un trivial emotion inside of me is insenced or something.
I do want more freedom to just be and trust myself and others, but I don't know how to move away from all of the control and not fall apart. Or worse hurt the people I love.
Keep on keeping on, Mike
Edited by SmartShadow (12/01/12 11:10 AM)