Thanks.

This is pretty big stuff... it's pretty... yeah as I said... pretty heavy big stuff...

Obviously... but now I'm realizing it.

It doesn't hit me really that much yet but I know it's there because this is perhaps the first time... everything seems to be falling into place...

I read somewhere that people have different coping mechanisms. Rationalizing things is one of them. That's mine. Definitely. I used to game a lot in my youth... so distraction... oh well I probably used a lot...

But well.

There's one thing that came up to me this morning. It's just... I don't like the word sexual abuse... I find it weird to think of it that way...

Abuse for me seems to imply like... it's the same as misuse or something like that. But the whole word use needs to disappear. As if I've been used wrongly. Like the fact that I would get used was there... but I was misused. Abused. Like the "ab" makes it all wrong. I don't know. I probably misunderstand it though. It's as if "used" isn't wrong enough yet. It is. But it implies it isn't. For me then.

Sensitive stuff. But yeah don't... it doesn't matter... really... in the end... it's just... oh well...

I won't start making a problem about it. It's just my 2 cents people often say in this case I believe...

And yeah it isn't as much about the sexuality as it first seems... IMO opinion at least... I don't want to think of it that way anyway...

And uhm... yeah... I think...

Yeah the liberation I feel is in that...

Uhm... I don't like blaming something on somebody... really... you can... but... especially because in my case it;s so unclear... I could be imagining it all. The point is though it has had a profound influence on me in my youth. Even before I was even aware of these memories you know... Looking back at it now... it's pretty clear... I uhm...

The point is in fear.

Fear... is irrational...

It's like... fear... is perhaps a useless emotion... until it's too late...

With that I mean that fear steers us away from stuff... we... don't experience...

So with the robbery and the abuse I can say I found it very traumatizing. But perhaps nothing happened?! But the point is. That's what fear is for...

The sad thing is... or well... part of the shame I guess... is from... trading in something... without knowing clearly... if you should or not... It's...

I mean again the robbery. If I get robbed... the person in that situation... (I hope this following stuff doesn't trigger people who have experienced far worse things... so... just the word... I'm comparing my experience to something far more clear... but... oh well... could trigger anyway the next part)... the person with for example the gun... (sorry)... he or she could say in hindsight responding to my trauma... that I just gave them 200 dollars... and they never meant to shoot me. And then say "oh well I always just carry a gun around but I didn't mean to make you feel threatened by it"...

In that case... it's just... obvious though... it's... but in my situation is just the sheer parent-child relation... and... yeah... you can never know... I mean...

The point is. I let it happen. Well it's 2 ways... I got set up to my feeling in one and the other I had to comply... I felt like anyway.

But the troubling thing is I will never know for sure if I had to comply... I don't know what would have happened else. I don't know if I would've been in a life threatening situation. It's just that I felt like it.

But yeah the point is... I might actually... have gotten scared way too quickly or whatever... but yeah... the point is... nothing really big happened...

Just enough... to make it... last...

And perhaps... It's even some sort of upbringing... or something...

The same antenna anyway has often helped me. To avoid stuff. And I think I can see danger coming from way earlier than others. Perhaps ever since those 2 events...

Because sometimes I also feel like... because of the very... uhm... like how small it is... but the theme could be called (although like I said I don't like that word)... sexual abuse... but it's just so tiny... that it feels like... a vaccination... of a life threatening disease...

But yeah it has also kept me out of trouble ever since. But that's not true. I've gotten in all kinds of trouble.

Edit:
The thing is I can never ever know for sure... what would have happened else...
I can never now for sure if I had reason to be scared for my parents...

I can never know for sure if I had to feel life threatened... and if it has saved my life. The danger is... uhm... or well... the possibility is... that I think I've gotten robbed... but...

That I didn't get robbed. That I just... uhm... somebody entered my store... and uhm... he/she didn't mean any harm or anything... but somehow I felt threatened by that person... for some reason... and just handed over 200 dollars for nothing... But that I wasn't in life danger.

I'm trying to point out something here of wich I don't know if you guys understand. The biggest part of me says of course you do understand it, but some part in me says... don't think I've got multiple personalities by the way... when reading this... some part in me says... that I might have a pretty weird look on stuff... compared to others who have gone through the same kind of stuff...

The point is though... I have gone so low in life... like I've hit rock bottom... like IMO at least. That uhm... I don't care anymore. Weird perhaps.

But next time somebody walks into my store and threatens me for 200 bucks... or at least I feel threatened for 200 bucks... I'm not going to trade it in anymore. You can shoot me for 200 bucks. I don't care. Whatever.

Because... this 200 bucks is my sexual integrity or whatever...

And it's mine. Nobody can take that away from me. My parents didn't either. They might have had the illusion that they were able to... but no...

And this is where I think people who have gotten abused become abusers as well... because they somehow unconsciously probably... feel embarrassed about what they did... but... if they can make somebody else... who is in the same position as they were in back then... also surrender... to implied threat... they are at least not the only ones who have to feel embarrassed about stuff... and the surrender of the other person gives them a big adrenaline rush or whatever. And then they can let it go. It's a coping mechanism for what they had to go through themselves...

They don't have to blame it on themselves anymore. Because a pure child. Or a pure person. Has also made the same decision as them. Wich makes the abuser feel as pure again for one split second as the child initially is...

Wich is pretty messed up of course.

Like a domino effect. Of wich perhaps no one knows where it began.

But I don't want to know either.


Edited by Thionou (11/30/12 08:56 AM)