Gosh I'm seriously getting somewhere here.

I didn't really explain the suicidal part enough.

I meant like that it would be a shame for me to become suicidal after... like...

Like if you take the robbery again... If I get robbed of 200 dollars because somebody threatens me at gunpoint... and I commit suicide after that... what good is that? That's my thinking at least here huh... What good is that? That would be a waste of 200 dollars... What changed then...? So first I decide that... I'd rather get out of that situation alive instead of losing my life for 200 dollars... and then committing suicide... would be like... over that incident... would be like... I don't know... useless...!? That was the whole point. I had gone through all that trauma because I didn't want to lose my life. The whole trauma is a close to death experience. I couldn't care about sexuality... Seriously... It's just that apparently I have to pay for my life. First I get brought to life or something. I get born. And after that it's like I have to maintain myself by... as if I have to get punished for living... like what the f*** is that all about!!!

That's why suicide is no option whatsoever. And it isn't about sexuality either. I think in terms of evolution... and in that respect nothing happened! And perhaps I would already be... willing... I don't know how brave I am... to just drop dead... like a salmon... after getting a kid with a women. Because that is what it would imply. But after that... I mean... I could still try to survive in order to help and raise my kid and give her/him the best possible... like... life... like help him/her.

And then in the last part I talked about getting confronted with that question and I start asking why. But not like... why what. Not in like "why did it happen to me?". But more like "what should I live for?" "why should I keep on doing it (survive)?"... "what goal is there in life?"... etc... too big... And sometimes I try to find answers in those questions... by thinking ridiculously out of the box... considered completely crazy... borderline kind of stuff... like the whole universe spins around me... and stuff like that. Wich in essence I still do believe... but that thought doesn't change anything. It still prevents me from cheating on life or something like that or finding a back door through wich... I can seemingly easily escape from everything... just in a split second. Or thoughts about death. What is there after life? Or even comparing this to hell. Thinking perhaps I couldn't even die even if I would want to... because this here life on earth for eternity like in that moment in time would be hell... only if there would be no escape from it possible.

That's how far. I've once been scared that... I wouldn't have been able to die anymore... some scientist believe that's a possibility perhaps already in the near future... TED talks or whatever...

So yeah...

Also... one thing though...

There's usually... uhm... like... it's late in the evening. So I'm typing a lot etc...

But usually I wake up the following morning thinking back about what I've written down and think "omg what did I type!!?" and immediately regret it all... and delete it.

But yeah. I'm constantly trying. To find words for what I often think. What I often feel. Whatever. I hope nobody is bothered by what they will read what I wrote down here...