Hi.

Yeah I'm new.

Uhm. What is there to say. I am somebody who thinks he has got some stuff... like... who has been abused in some way...

But I'm not quite sure how to think of it yet.

I think about this a lot. And I've actually searched for forums or stuff like that again due to something I read/saw about somebody who had experienced this as well who had agression issues. And was experiencing trouble with all... uhm like... authority figures etc...

I recognized this a lot. And now I realized it might be really common with people who at least think they have had those experiences to act aggressively in those kind of ways. I do anyway. There's my main problem as well... because of it...

But uhm. There's stuff I wonder about.

I could ask it here. Don't know how much it... changes stuff...

But the problem I'm having is about... that I don't know how I should look at it. Or well I'm looking at it in a few different ways... trying to find the right one...

But yeah... the problem is though... I'm trying to find a "general" section on this website...

But well. I could also just post it here...

I have thought to myself a lot about this subject. And yeah...

I feel like...

I feel like I've been robbed of something... or so it seems... but uhm...

This is the sexual part...

And this is why I'm pretty... uhm... I don't like the sexual abuse term... in essence. I don't like telling it to people. Because I think it's something different. I think I would call it something else or something...

And I think... I don't know though... because the subject is really bad... you know and private... sexual stuff is pretty sensitive...

But I hope it compares to a real life robbery. Where somehow I got in a situation where I was robbed of my own feeling of sexual integrity...

But if a person gets robbed in a store... and is forced to hand over money... in a for him seemingly life threatening situation... he or she complies...

He or she could feel traumatized by it. But for me... I compare my sexual abuse with that... scenario... but to me complaining about the fact that I've been sexually abused... feels like I have to... uhm... first have to put myself in some sort of victim role... But... The fact is... that feels to me as weird as... being robbed in a store and then running to a psychologist... crying about the fact that I've lost 200 dollars. It's not that. It's the fact that somebody is apparently willing to... threaten me with my life... for 200 dollars...

But here's some room.

I think I've been traumatized because I have felt and perhaps still feel life threatened...

But for me the abuse is really... uhm vague... and open to interpretation... so... wich makes it even more uncomfortable for me to talk about... sexual abuse... because it's embarrassing... but it makes sense if... it makes sense if it's about the fear...

In more ways than another...

But I hoped that perhaps if I think about it this way. The sexual nature of it all goes away...

Because you know... the people that this... is associated with in my memories... The fear is just in the fact that... they just didn't know what they were doing...
It's 2 separate incidents if it's sexual abuse at all... 1 on 1. So don't think when reading the word "they" it was one or more group events. They I mean 2 people.

But in that respect... it still hasn't gone away...

I'm feeling more in danger than I ever felt...

Sexuality was the trade. But now I get nothing back for it.

Also the... although...

I just can't enjoy sexuality anymore.

Damnit. And if I get to a point where I nearly become suicidal...

When thinking about this theory... I'm like what the hell is this all about...

The saddest weirdest thing for me now would be to commit suicide...???

So I'm so really confused over this. Because I've felt threatened. I've allowed myself to feel threatened...

And other people... might think...

I don't know...

I can't relax anymore.

I get aggressive often...

Really. And yeah I've got violent thoughts... I'm sorry. Like every day at least like 3 times a day.

But it wouldn't work... it's not the solution...

I'm hoping that perhaps after this post and after sharing stuff with people that have experienced the same thing... that will go away...

My abuse is about 2 really... small... factually then... but for me very big... experiences I've had. With my mum and my dad. Separately. But actually 3. But there's one that hasn't got that much to do with sexuality but more with just... aggression... but that... came after it... I don't know...

But so... I had stuff to work out at least. Repressed memories sounds really bad and all but yeah in essence it's true. But yeah that third experience was the fact that I had to deal with that. But apparently I was able to. In my own kind of way... I guess... But then I suddenly got... to my feeling like... thrown out of the house...

Then was when the problems slowly started to emerge. Just discarded like a piece of trash... Very suddenly... Up until then I gamed a lot... the repressing worked...

And at least I was... uhm... well I had my own problems then as well... But yeah it got a little worse again after that... It's like first that happens to me... and then the message is like "deal with it..." and that's it. And so ever since the memories came up... I get confronted with that question and I start asking why. And get all philosophical like that... uhm... like start getting delusional as well and stuff... and it's like I'm evening out in solitary... like... in isolation...

Hmm wel...

I'm afraid that this is only the tip of the iceberg. But gosh... this does feel like an improvement. The first one since like 5 years or something like that...