This was the hardest and most horrible thing I've ever written or said in my life. I was frantic about posting it here and nearly deleted it, didn't look back in for days, and still just about can't bear to reread my own words.
And I cried harder with every response and PM that I got. I can't believe you guys. I can't believe that there would ever be someone who understood.
I do accept these feelings as part of me. Once you accept you cannot un-accept. I'm okay with it now. But the thought of a search for identity getting perhaps the "wrong" answer, and the thought that every day of a decade of mental anguish and denial and disgust, might actually have been part of his attack on me.... It kind of un-made me for a while.
To Nitsaved, Aptrick, 1life, Mountainous Rock, and the many who PMed me - there are no words and certainly just "thank you" doesn't cover it. But if there were anything I could say that would be adequate - I would say it - please take it as said.
I will work to get past my "lost decade." I ended up in the same place anyway - it's part of me, and I don't struggle with it, I'm okay with it.
Being okay is a good start.
"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny