I understand your situation. I found my perp after searching on line for months, I wonder why I kept searching and did not let sleeping dogs lie--he was still alive and had to be an advanced age. Went back to my hometown to see my Mom and decided I must see him. I parked the car across the street from his house, waiting for him to come out. He did not appear--the house actually looked like no one was home--drapes drawn. I also went to the church where he does part time work--could not enter. This was the first time I tried to see him. The second was several months later and the day after visiting the place of my abuse. First to the house, waited and saw no one. Went to the church a different story and what happened after that haunts me. Any satisfaction, none just more guilt.

In a way I had wished he was dead, then there would be no options--but he was not. And in the end I did not receive any satisfaction just more confusion as to who I was--a part that despised him and another part that felt special towards him. I am not sure if this helps you but be careful-sometimes what we wish for only creates more confusion and hurt.