I donít know what to do. I donít know how to fix this or how I can stop hurting my wife. More importantly I want to know if:
1. Why do I go online when stressed and pretend?
2. Am I a pervert?
3. Is my wife better off without me?
4. What the hell is wrong with me?
not that i have all the answers - but i have learned a few things during the course of working to recover from the events of my past. i have had a number of similar experiences and reactions to you. i've been depressed, feared losing my wife and everything i valued, lied, kept secrets, pretended a different reality than the truth, trusted no one, was very sensitive to criticism, and hated myself. and i have discovered that all of that is very typical or "normal" for those of us that survived CSA. you are not the only one.
to try and answer your questions from my point of view:
1. you create alternate identities and lives because you are not happy with the one you are in. it is a temporary relief or escape.
2. no - you are not a pervert. you endured some damaging events that have caused you to behave in ways that you find disturbing - that is a good sign - that you recognize the stuff that is inappropriate.
3. the ways you relate to your wife may seem unhealthy for your wife (and for you) at present. but that doesn't have to remain unchanged. if you both are willing to do hard work together, it can get better.
4. what is wrong is that you were abused. you were hurt when you were young and innocent and helpless and couldn't do anything to stop it or help yourself. and now it is coming back to haunt you.
Please consider getting help for both your sake and your wife's. we can help some on the forums - but someone with professional training and experience is likely to be more effective. actually - i find both to be invaluable. there are lots of resources on this site. and those who can guide you to what you need. in the meantime, we understand and are here for you.