Gecko -

interesting that you want to find photos of yourself as a kid.

i have strenuously avoided having any or even looking at them if i can help it. i know there are lots at my mom's place and in storage somewhere from when she downsized. but i really have no desire to see them. don't know if it is fear of triggers, guilt for having deserted him for so long, or what...

my wife wants to see them and have them, but it make me feel really uncomfortable. i am OK with ones as a baby and toddler - but not of the ages when i lived with the step-dad - from about 6 up to 18. maybe someday i'll be ready for that.


PS - on more reflection, i think that what really repulses me in the photos i have seen is the fundamental lies that they represent. my family was really big on appearances - making everything look good to the outside world. but the reality was oh, so different. we had a nice house and cars and were always well dressed and did all the right things, even took vacations in Europe. but when i had to smile for the camera, i knew it was hiding so much and was nothing but a forced conspiracy of deception.

Edited by traveler (11/27/12 09:43 AM)
Edit Reason: PS
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago