I need help and I’m not sure what to do. I’m about to lose my wife and my life seems hanging by a thread. I’ve been depressed for over a year and I can’t seem to shake it off.

I’m 45 years old and two female cousins (they were both teenagers), beginning when I was 6 and continuing until I was about 8, abused me. I’m not sure what details to give here. I was terribly afraid of anyone finding out and I didn’t think it affected me.

But apparently it has.

I am a compulsive liar – especially when I think my actions might cause my wife not to like me.

Under stress – financial stress mostly – I seem to turn to fake online personas. In the past I have went on dating websites and the like even though there was never any chance I would do anything - and I always invented someone appealing - not me.

When I do that it doesn’t make me feel better, because I’m being completely fake. It’s not me online – it’s a fantasy I guess where I’m desirable and wanted – but the guilt just makes it worse.

I don’t trust. I basically raised myself since my mom was severely bi-polar and consumed with religion.

I’m not close to anyone except my wife. I have no friends - I choose not to have friends. I feel completely out of place in public and avoid social events even to the point of causing conflict with my wife.

I’m over sensitive. I’m not sure why but I seem to emote like a girl and feel things deeply.

Add to that I’m also into sports and highly competitive and the two don’t mix very well.

I hate myself. I never look in the mirror. I never look anyone in the eyes. I have to fake to get through a day of work and at the end of the day I feel as if I were beaten.

I can’t handle criticism from my wife even though its justified and I avoid conflict but fly of the handle sometimes with a violent rage – especially if my wife says she is rethinking our relationship.

I can’t begin to describe how much I love my wife and my guilt at hurting her.

And I’ve hurt her plenty. Last year she found out I had contacted a prostitute and it was she who finally figured out my childhood abuse might be effecting me today.

Sometimes I feel the need to recreate the humiliation I had as a kid – to feel dirty and worthless.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this or how I can stop hurting my wife. More importantly I want to know if:
1. Why do I go online when stressed and pretend?
2. Am I a pervert?
3. Is my wife better off without me?
4. What the hell is wrong with me?

Please help.