I need help and Iím not sure what to do. Iím about to lose my wife and my life seems hanging by a thread. Iíve been depressed for over a year and I canít seem to shake it off.
Iím 45 years old and two female cousins (they were both teenagers), beginning when I was 6 and continuing until I was about 8, abused me. Iím not sure what details to give here. I was terribly afraid of anyone finding out and I didnít think it affected me.
But apparently it has.
I am a compulsive liar Ė especially when I think my actions might cause my wife not to like me.
Under stress Ė financial stress mostly Ė I seem to turn to fake online personas. In the past I have went on dating websites and the like even though there was never any chance I would do anything - and I always invented someone appealing - not me.
When I do that it doesnít make me feel better, because Iím being completely fake. Itís not me online Ė itís a fantasy I guess where Iím desirable and wanted Ė but the guilt just makes it worse.
I donít trust. I basically raised myself since my mom was severely bi-polar and consumed with religion.
Iím not close to anyone except my wife. I have no friends - I choose not to have friends. I feel completely out of place in public and avoid social events even to the point of causing conflict with my wife.
Iím over sensitive. Iím not sure why but I seem to emote like a girl and feel things deeply.
Add to that Iím also into sports and highly competitive and the two donít mix very well.
I hate myself. I never look in the mirror. I never look anyone in the eyes. I have to fake to get through a day of work and at the end of the day I feel as if I were beaten.
I canít handle criticism from my wife even though its justified and I avoid conflict but fly of the handle sometimes with a violent rage Ė especially if my wife says she is rethinking our relationship.
I canít begin to describe how much I love my wife and my guilt at hurting her.
And Iíve hurt her plenty. Last year she found out I had contacted a prostitute and it was she who finally figured out my childhood abuse might be effecting me today.
Sometimes I feel the need to recreate the humiliation I had as a kid Ė to feel dirty and worthless.
I donít know what to do. I donít know how to fix this or how I can stop hurting my wife. More importantly I want to know if:
1. Why do I go online when stressed and pretend?
2. Am I a pervert?
3. Is my wife better off without me?
4. What the hell is wrong with me?
Edited by NotSoHappy (11/26/12 02:39 PM)