Hey everyone,

I am a 21 year old gay CSA survivor, and I would like to reflect on my connectivity issues with other gay/bi men.

I had volunteered and led an LGBTQ-rights group for 3 years, however, ironically all of our male volunteers were not LGBTQ-identified (which is actually great in terms of initiating social change). Living in both Canada and Germany, I've found that I do not connect or identify with most gay men like I hoped I would when I was a child going online to find male bonding.

The general superficiality of the gay male community, combined with my personal experience in lack of support from my Queer friends regarding my CSA, I tend to feel that I have been rejected or abandoned by the gays I have been in contact with. I yearn for connection with other males, and I have one real close male friend who is straight and I love him like a brother. (Right now we are keeping a long-distance relationship, so when we have contact, we don't have long, deep, emotional discussions.)

I have also never had a boyfriend before, and only 3 of my many sexual experiences have been consentual and respectful. I used to have several superficial friendships with other gays my age, but upon dealing with the impact of my CSA, I became really reclusive and cut off many of my social connections in Canada- with them included. This was because many belittled my abuse, thought it was "cool" (two actually said that), or they told me I was being too uptight about it and needed to go clubbing more.

It is funny, how many of the men who harassed be both online and in person were married, straight-identified men, and when I told one of my former gay friends about it, inquiring about affirming romantic relationships, he responded to me: "You're just good for straight men who wish to live out their gay fantasies".

I yearn real close male friends and bonding so much, and what has made my current move from Germany back to Canada has been looking my real close male friend, my roommate, my sidekick, my brother, and the lack proper communication we seem to have doing it long distance....
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,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."