I'm not sure if this is a survivor issue.
Lately, I have been feeling flaky. I don't mean lazy(or may be I'm just in denial). I just feel like I don't have a base where I can be strong, emotionally. How do I get my footing? I realize this is actually a constant issue in my life.
It just feels like I'm just reacting to everything around me, instead of making active choices. So, on most days, I end up just taking the easy way through things. I want to be able to say, 'this is who I am; and it doesn't matter if it is tough, I will stay true to myself and I'll make the choice I want.' It seems simple enough, but I can't seem to do that. Instead, I have got this image of myself(rightfully so) as the guy who always takes the path of least resistance.
My intelligence is average. I'm not an overachiever like some of us survivors tend to be, which is why it boggles my mind when I thing about how quickly I lose interest in things (jobs/career, hobbies etc). So, it's not like I can say to myself, "I know all there is to know about such and such, I'm bored and I need to move on to something else." It's more like, "Things are getting complicated, how badly do I want to continue doing this?" Almost always, I drop them because I don't have any interest anymore.
I feel so powerless, which I attribute to my addictions (smoking especially). Feeling as I do, it feels impossible to kick them. I keep telling myself that I'll get into shape and kick off my addictions once I heal from my injury, which of course isn't making me feel any stronger on the inside.
A couple of months ago, I had an accident at work. Everyone kept saying how terrible an injury it is and how I could lose my finger. And, I just didn't care either way. It just made no difference to me whether I was going to lose my finger or not.
In the past, I believed in things(religion, morals etc.), but only for really short durations. Now, everything seems relative.
I'm a morpher, in the sense that I'm a different person with different people. I pretend to agree with the other person(I actually really hate that about me) and I just change myself in the moment so that who ever I am speaking to likes me and we get along without conflict.
Can anyone relate? How can I develop that strong inner-self? How can I figure out who I am when everything seems fleeting?
"We're not broken, just bent. And we can learn to love again!"