Thank you again for everyone's continued feedback. Comments sure seem mostly pointed one way - either "tell" or "I wanna tell / wish I had."
I really, really want to tell my father. It would help me. He and I are very close, he was always my protector as a kid. When something bad happened that I COULD talk about, he was my bellowing guardian who solved problems and destroyed bad things. Think Mufasa, with arthritis. He wasn't tactful - anything that hurt his family was worthless scum to be berated, publicly humiliated, threatened, arrested, sued, etc. If I'd told him back then my perp would have been in jail or the grave (sooner, anyway). Dad would comfort me, I'm sure of it; that bullshit with my grandpa's situation in South Am was stupid of me, it was his father-in-law who died age 100, not comparable with his only son. He wouldn't be humiliated of me or for my sake. He'd comfort me, tell me he always meant it, that nothing could change how they saw me, how much they loved me, that I'm not stained and shouldn't be embarrassed and he'd see me the same as always forever. I can envision myself crying in his arms and him saying its okay, that I'm still the same to him. I cry just thinking of doing that. It WOULD help me heal. It's so close but so far.
If I could somehow tell just him... and not my mom, who would start crying and not stop until she died and would re-examine and regret their parenting and my upbringing forever.
It may indeed be that I decide that any healing I get would be worth whatever damage it did her. May reach the point where I do throw that switch and if she can never look at a childhood picture of me again without crying... well... maybe that just comes with parenthood? I could have been paralyzed in a wheelchair and then she'd really have had to cry over pictures of the past.
T says just from the way it comes out when I talk, I ought to consider the likelihood that I'm not emotionally ready. I've only just started to feel good again after my collapse 3 weeks ago that brought this back to life. Can't go in conflicted.
"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny