I had a very difficult weekend. The past weeks have been difficult, death of mother, visiting the place of abuse. I thought I was doing ok, but in the end the emotions and past caught me. Around noon on Saturday I awoke in a hospital, why or where I was I did not know. I awoke to a nightmare of the abuse and was told I was scratching my arms. Eventually I learned when and how I came to the hospital in DC, 40 miles from where I live. I arrived at 6 am on Saturday. The last thing I remembered was at least 20 hours earlier, Friday afternoon. The nurses and doctors told me what I had said, and what led me to the hospital. I am thankful for being led to the hospital. They had gone through my pockets and found items that told them where I had been that evening-some not so safe areas and others safe but still dangerous walking around in the night. I spent the night roaming the subway and walking the streets. I am thankful the hospital staff were able to tell me what happen, the first time that I can remember that anyone was able to tell me what really happened when I was in fugue.
I was evaluated by neurology and psych for until mid afternoon on Sunday. I learned the episode was a dissociative fugue--a term my therapist and doctor have previously used to describe my prior experiences. It has happened many times before but never leaving me in a hospital. In fugue I do not know me or the past and when I come out I do not know what happens in fugue. It is very scary. I have been working hard to try to put this behind. The psych at the hospital recommend additional treatments and therapy to address the PTSD, dissociative fugue and unresolved trauma.
But I am resolved to get over this, but I now truly understand there are many starts and stops in healing. I also learned while in the hospital that those who truly love you will be there and others may never understand love, compassion and what a child abused sexually lives with each day and without having compassion or understanding for a child versus their adult views they may never truly love and give unconditionally. I hope this observation is wrong. So I learned a lesson in humanity and know I will go forward and one day fill my life with what I deserve.
I am meeting with my therapist and psychiatrist this week to discuss future treatment and address the unresolved trauma, which seems to be deeper than I ever imagined. I knew I had PTSD and fugue but thought the fix would be easier than it has been. but it is a lesson, CSA wounds far deeper than anyone can truly imagine.