Hi

I was gang raped, multiple times, 22 years ago in the South African army. I have hidden this secret from everyone until a year ago when I told my wife. I would never have told her either, if our marriage and losing her hadn't of been at stake.

I have drunk, took drugs, had sexuality issues and generally skimmed through life ever since it happened. I am a complete wreck emotionally and physically and am tired of bouncing off the walls trying to survive. I have never been in control of my life and have generally messed up everything I have laid my hands on.

I still have not told my wife exactly what happened, she just knows it happened. I am at the point now that I know if I don't resolve this, I will not be able to carry on much longer. I have 4 children who I love dearly and a wife who I love more than anything and deserves better than what I am currently able to provide - emotionally, financially and physically.

My wife found Rees' story on here and after she showed it to me, and I cried a lot, I made the choice to come on here and start making a change.

This is extremely hard for me as I HATE talking about it. I struggle to stay as 41 year old me when we go down that avenue. I feel attacked and vulnerable whenever the subject is brought up.

So here I am. Scared and asking for help.
Bean
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"This is the story of how we begin to remember."

"...just below my skin I'm screaming..."