Igor, Lee, Daniel, how did I get so fortunate as to have such caring, intelligent supporters? I am blessed and supported. May you too find such warmth in your lives as you have shared with me.
Igor, I am victorious. It is difficult sometimes to see the progress, but I am feeling better about who I am, the balance in my life and how I react to triggers and how I can support myself without negative, chaotic thinking. We shall run and win this race together I think!
Lee, I too have asked for the forgiveness of my perpetrators, crawling back to them on bloodied knees for a moment of their sunshine upon my wretchedness. Man, I am glad I can see that in the rear view mirror, you know? In setting personal boundaries, one of the main principles is to set the boundary in order to let go of the outcome. How simple, yet so impossible to understand without recovery. I let go of the anxiety of their potential sarcasm, how I thought they thought about what I thought... Sheesh! What is left is heartless non support. They are not going to own up to their perpetration and I am not going to keep begging. So be it. "The People of the Lie" is exactly what they are. I simply do not have room in my life anymore for them with all the powerful supporters I have now!
Daniel, you made me tear up! Your words are so heartening, thank you. I have met a few on here who have warm, supportive families and I admit to a jealousy. To have that support is truly a shelter. To be able to see the balance in how the controls of the abuse act in and out of me versus the love and care of a functional family must create a greater understanding of the "middle". As I have come to understand it, the balance, the middle of the extremes is a good, not perfect mixture of "go" versus "stop", "love" versus "sex", "social" versus "isolating", "aggressive" versus "assertive", affirming" versus "needy" and so on. To have parents and siblings that will comfort you and consistently show that support feels so good to imagine, Daniel, thank you for that wonderful image. Still you fight the fight on your own, and for that fellow survivor, you ARE courageous and admirable.
An addition to this saga; I again reached out to my younger brother. I texted him, telling him I had something against him and if he wanted to know what it was to ask me. His reply was I guess if you want to tell me. I told him to ask me again sometime. I was not desperate for his attention, I am growing beyond it. He responded "What, don't you have time now?" Impulsive, sarcastic jerk. In time I may come to find his level of "support" something I can live with. It is the same as a gutter dwelling, lice infested mongrel so focused on his own hide he cannot see the relief a foot in front of himself.
I am busy thriving, I ain't got time for that now. "A round of empowerment for me and my buds here bartender! Make it a double!!"