146. I hate that no matter how many times I brush my teeth my mouth still feels dirty
147. I hate that no matter now long I shower for or how hard I scrub I still feel dirty
148. I hate that I'm adding more to the list and hope noone will notice
149. I hate that I hate that I think I'm gay sometimes
150. I hate that I lie so much I even believe my own lies
151. I hate that I'm just like my dad that way
152. I hate that most of the time I can't cry
153. I hate when I do cry
154. I hate that I let them affect me this way
155. I hate that I had sex with a man as a grown up and that just made me more confused
156. I hate that I kept having sex with men to try to work it out
157. I hate that I've pretended to be what other people wanted me to be my whole life and now I don't know who I am.
158. I hate that I have crushes on my male friends
159. I hate that I tried so hard to please my oldest brother at 4-6
160. I hate that I tried so hard to do it 'right' (even practiced not gagging on bananas)
161. I hate that I knew what semen tasted like, looked like, smelt like at 4-6
162. I hate that I grew to like it..even crave it
163. I hate that I have always cared more about giving the other person pleasure - like I don't deserve it
164. I hate that I beleived my dad when he called me a poof
165. I hate that I told him I forgave him when he called me when I was 23 to say sorry - just to make him feel better and I knew that was what I was supposed to say.
166. I hate that I wasn't ready to deal with it then
167. I hate that typing all this is making me want to act out again (I know I won't - I am better than that now!)
168. I hate that I can't swallow pills without pushing them to the back of my throat and that somehow this feels connected to the abuse.
169. I hate that I hate myself so much!!!!
170. I hate that I lied when I promised not to write anymore.

Thanks everyone for supporting me with this rant...I'm finding it very therapeutic.

Although it is also making me feel very vulnerable and exposed and selfish.
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More than meets the eye!