146. I hate that no matter how many times I brush my teeth my mouth still feels dirty
147. I hate that no matter now long I shower for or how hard I scrub I still feel dirty
148. I hate that I'm adding more to the list and hope noone will notice
149. I hate that I hate that I think I'm gay sometimes
150. I hate that I lie so much I even believe my own lies
151. I hate that I'm just like my dad that way
152. I hate that most of the time I can't cry
153. I hate when I do cry
154. I hate that I let them affect me this way
155. I hate that I had sex with a man as a grown up and that just made me more confused
156. I hate that I kept having sex with men to try to work it out
157. I hate that I've pretended to be what other people wanted me to be my whole life and now I don't know who I am.
158. I hate that I have crushes on my male friends
159. I hate that I tried so hard to please my oldest brother at 4-6
160. I hate that I tried so hard to do it 'right' (even practiced not gagging on bananas)
161. I hate that I knew what semen tasted like, looked like, smelt like at 4-6
162. I hate that I grew to like it..even crave it
163. I hate that I have always cared more about giving the other person pleasure - like I don't deserve it
164. I hate that I beleived my dad when he called me a poof
165. I hate that I told him I forgave him when he called me when I was 23 to say sorry - just to make him feel better and I knew that was what I was supposed to say.
166. I hate that I wasn't ready to deal with it then
167. I hate that typing all this is making me want to act out again (I know I won't - I am better than that now!)
168. I hate that I can't swallow pills without pushing them to the back of my throat and that somehow this feels connected to the abuse.
169. I hate that I hate myself so much!!!!
170. I hate that I lied when I promised not to write anymore.
Thanks everyone for supporting me with this rant...I'm finding it very therapeutic.
Although it is also making me feel very vulnerable and exposed and selfish.
More than meets the eye!