Ok so.., I have confronted. Now what? I feel empty but not lonely, having found affirmation in myself through personal searching, MS fellow survivors, WoR and a slew of research including spiritual pursuits and MSA books. This is a first for me, I look into the pain and find that I have concluded all that I feel contention about. Again I ask, as recovery so far does not include how to live comfortably without that MSA(male sexual abuse) monkey on my back.
What did I expect? Can I live with the less than that I was offered when I did confront? Can I leave my family behind and continue a solid life experience without them? What is next for me?
Have you felt like this?
to answer the last question first, YES!
i was thinking today - sometimes "real life" is the nightmare you need to escape from; and sometimes "real life" is an escape from the nightmare." i think the same can be said about families. in your case, right now, it is obvious which it is. maybe it will change someday... but don't let your healing depend upon it or even wait for it.
my story has some similarities to yours - as you know, especially the hyper-spiritual and denial elements. at one point in college i was so desperate for acceptance from my family that i wrote a letter to the step-father and 1st abuser, asking for HIS forgiveness! i was devastated when he didn't even acknowledge the letter - much less forgive me for being the "bad son" that i had been conditioned to believe i was. several years later i tried again to be reconciled to them - on their terms - confessing my faults in the relationship. again - no reply. i tried one more time, when i was in my 30s and was in therapy the first time - and had recovered some of the repressed memories - to re-establish some sort of relationship that bore even a vague resemblance to normal family ties. this time, I forgave THEM for what i experienced (not specified) during my childhood (mom was passively complicit). it was very difficult to get to that place, but i wrote another letter. again - a deafening SILENCE.
since that time i resolved to be free of any guilt in the failure of the relationship. it was something that i recognized at the age of 11 when i realized that i wasn't going to get normal parenting - and anything i expected like that was doomed to be a disappointment. i knew at that time that i was on my own. but i kept hoping...
i have maintained occasional communications at an emotional and often geographical distance - surface-level, polite and as invulnerable as i would bewith strangers or very casual acquaintances. they seem to be OK with that and it is not dangerous to me.
Scott Peck has a phrase that perfectly describes them - called "People of the Lie" - a refusal to accept or recognize the truth. they are toxic. contact with them can be harmful. i made the decision not to be pulled into their vortex ever again. i have resigned as their whipping boy and their scapegoat. they no longer have the power to hurt me.
step-dad died years ago and mom has dementia. so there is now no possibility of reconciliation. i am OK with that. i did more than could be expected to make things right - if such a thing were even possible.
you can go on, Sam. you do not need to remain open to more hurt. you have the resources you need to heal without their contributions, cooperation or collaboration. accept the situation for what it is. do what you've done so far - survive this loss - as you did the others.