I just got off the phone with my younger brother. We have not seen each other in over a year and I have not spoke to him in about as long. He was abused with me( I was six) by our older sister, but he was the favorite. When the abuser rejected me for him, the paradigm became about me trying to get back into what I thought was next level love and care, something our family sorely lacks as they were abusive sexually and physically. I was completely rejected, bullied to exclusion and made a laughing stock as I stumbled my way through my youth and adulthood, even as I write this I struggle with those memories decades old.
Hm, back to topic... I called him because he had asked(his wife texted my wife) to stop by on a trip he and his wife were making through a few states. I had to call him, he would not even talk to me till I confronted him. We talked amicably for a bit, he is a really funny guy, I mean he had me laughing out loud quickly. He has always been like that, but this time, I asked him not to stop on his way through. He must have known it was coming because he did not hesitate, simply saying that he would not go where he was not wanted, then admitted this was awkward and said good bye.
He will not talk with me about what happened nor even acknowledge that it did to me. I wanted to talk with him about it, find some appropriate brotherly compassion, feel like I am as important to him as the abuser is at least and find that relief and conclusion of the abuse and those feelings of being alone. Instead I find myself in the untenable situation of confronting him and then letting him go, which saddens me, but as he is not supportive nor even acknowledging this difficult part of life then I cannot have that in my life as I heal. It is ridiculous really, he and I both have emotional damage, he runs away from the pain and I run towards it, lately... I did run from it for years, and it was only due to an emergency in my life that I had to confront it. When I asked for his help on the sexual abuse recovery, he told me he may be able to give me an hour that never materialized. When I asked fro his help in confronting the parents on the physical abuse, he told me he could not remember anything, although I found out later through a mutual friend he confided in about his youth and the abuse.
There is the back story. I am seeking to move on.
Confrontation is resolution. Prior to confrontation I waited for him, for her and for them to come to me and support me. That was NEVER going to happen. So little by little, I confronted them. This concludes that part of my recovery, I think, recovery is a twisted roller coaster blindfolded, while it remains to be seen, it is an area I cannot find any more pain in inside my heart.
So the decision to confront them in a way that would bring about conversation and healing has been concluded. Well, I WAS more abrasive than I wanted to be, but what the hell, it was a new process for me. I ended the conversation with my brother by telling him I would talk to him again. The door is open if he may need it, but the train is moving along and if he wants on, he better reach.
Ok so.., I have confronted. Now what? I feel empty but not lonely, having found affirmation in myself through personal searching, MS fellow survivors, WoR and a slew of research including spiritual pursuits and MSA books. This is a first for me, I look into the pain and find that I have concluded all that I feel contention about. Again I ask, as recovery so far does not include how to live comfortably without that MSA(male sexual abuse) monkey on my back.
What did I expect? Can I live with the less than that I was offered when I did confront? Can I leave my family behind and continue a solid life experience without them? What is next for me?
Have you felt like this?