Jude your pain is electric; I never knew, could never admit I hated my father; hell I never realized I hated him worse than my rapist. He knew of my abuse at the hands of his father, he cared more about the fact that a 4 year old could question god; then I was raped by his father, eventually he turned his back, even ensuring I was left at home with him, punishment of god I guess. The last time I was 7 and he came to visit, and sure enough! He was dead within a year, and I was his pallbearer alongside my dad. In my late teens my dad tried to establish a relationship with me but it could never happen, my dad had to be dead for 5 years before I could even say I hated him, and at that point my anger was gone, all over, and then when I remembered the abuse it all made sense the 40 plus years of hate. The thing is I know all too well your feelings of hate and homicide towards both my father and grandfather along with the whole fucking family, if I would have remembered any of this while my dad was alive I would’ve kicked that cancer sufferer’s ass so hard the chemo would have been pleasant compared! The hardest thing here is trust, you trusted your perp, you were a young kid, it wasn’t your fault, you trusted he broke it! You feel like such a sucker, how could you be so stupid? Look we live in male gendered society where we are weak or worse girls because we weren’t tough enough or strong enough, or our cock isn’t big enough to meet their expectations of us; then drop csa on a young boy, what are you supposed to do? What are you supposed to say? More importantly what are you supposed to feel and think? Let it go! Let it go! Let it go!
"When you're out of the blue and into the black."