The other night I disclosed the story of my CSA to my wife. It was not at all how I had wanted to but it happened - we are displaced by Sandy and still sleeping on floors, everything gets misplaced, and while looking for something she found my meds. I'd gone on immediately before the storm and then it hit us do hard I couldn't bear to burden her with anything else right away - but she found them and my lie / concealment had hurt her so I told her of my sudden downward spiral and how it had "reactivated" the old memories. I really was not ready to tell her - had only just told my T last Friday, first disclosure ever, and needed more "cleanup" - and with all the hurricane stress now is the last time I'd have ever chosen to tell her anything else disturbing. But she was very upset by my lie and I needed her to know we still had our trust, so I trusted her, and told her. Told her everything and showed her my posts here - with posting dates predating Sandy and the pill bottle dates. Apologized for the horrible timing and repeated that it was meant for a cslmer period. In any case, when she saw the truth and I told her every last detail she was so supportive - so building - and cried with me and soothed me - understanding - and swore I'd always be the same man she knew. We were up talking til past 3am. Like I said I was not ready to tell her and was more emotional than I'd have liked - but she took it better than I'd dreamed and I am so proud of her, so proud and grateful for my wonderful babe. Married 5 years last week. (And no, I'm not just saying that because she knows this board exists!)
She really thinks I should tell my parents - I am in therapy / meds again and they deserve to know, and why and what's going on in my life. I would honestly like to tell my dad - we have always had a great close relationship, he's always understood me and we hang out together a lot. Mom is a different story - more fragile, emotional, and going through terrible career drama right now.
This morning I tried to test dad.
One of my grandfathers led a mystery life. He was nearly 20 years older than my grandma and it's basically a 20 year gap in which we know nothing of him. He had currency from foreign countries and there is a picture of him in a military uniform slinging guns around in South America. Grandma and my mom think he had a secret second family but was never any evidence. When asked he refused to answer up to his dying day.
Since the family discusses this mystery every now and then - nit often but it is an acceptable and not strange subject to bring up - I asked my dad about it again today.
ME: Dad, what if there were bad things in Papa's past that you could actually learn about? What if you could finally learn?
DAD: Like what bad things?
ME: Like maybe he did have a secret second family. Or if he was a mercenary or killed people for some political uprising in Sourh America. Or, maybe if something bad happened to him. Like if he'd been kidnapped to South America and bad things had happened to him there, like forced into slave labor on some mining project or something, forced to drive warlords around or else he'd have been killed.
DAD: I would want to know. The immediate response would be shock and disappointment but I would want to know.
ME: And how long would that shock and disappointment last? Would you see him the same way again?
DAD: It would go away - it's easier because he's dead. It would be different if he were alive and the response would include embarrassment and humiliation and some deep hurting.
Then he sort of smirked and said "why, have you hired a detective to crack his case?", and I made like a joke that no, I was just wondering, you know, old family story.
It is a fair response to get from a man in his late 60s. But still I was hoping for something different and once more do not know what to do. I feel blessed to have a great and close relationship with my dad, but... "different if they're alive, different if there's a humiliation and embarrassment"....
And forget about my mom. I'd only tell her because if i told dad I would have to tell her too, but I know for 100% she will not take it well.
I feel I have had a basically good life and if now in adulthood my patents saw me as different - humiliated, hurt, dirty, damaged - and also blamed themselves for not being able to prevent / avenge it - that it might really cause more harm than good.
Obviously will go over this with the T too but ultimate decision is mine.
Thanks for any tips people could offer.
Edited by SoccerStar (11/15/12 11:09 AM)
"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny