fighting Against my self every step of the way
i staggered to a field of men fighting the same battle
now guarding each others backs we fight ever harder
but this isn't walking away to do better things

i found an online therapist then i dropped coffee all over my laptop
as a cute man was talking to me
also meaning i missed the healing cycle meeting

i joined a course to become a holistic life coach
and i feel beyond awkward every time i try to read the course work
a million reasons not to do it

i am tired of this inner resistance to change i am tired
of giving that part of my self empathy and understanding only to be fought while doing so
i am tired of accommodating it
im frustated pissed of and profoundly sad not over the abuse but over the time iv wasted and the connections iv missed
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'The flower you love is not in danger...I'll draw you a muzzle for your sheep...I'll draw you a fence for your flower...I' I didn't know what to say. How clumsy I felt! I didn't know how to reach him, where to find him...It's so mysterious, the land of tears.