i was wondering why I am so panicked by today’s meeting with the school superintendent. It has no obvious relationship with CSA issues. But I figured it out.

It is the same as the feeling I got from the step-father – the first abuser. The rising nausea, the gurgling, loosening bowels, the clenched cramping gut, the sinking heart, the dread and fear and helpless sensations – all are being re-lived. I have never done well with authority figures. I fold up, turn inward, shrink, disappear. And he is coming for a meeting today. Inside sources tells me he will be chastising the entire staff and presenting ultimatums. Scary.

He looks and acts nothing like the step-father. But there are other similarities – his inability to see anything from another’s perspective, his cutting tongue, his insistence upon his absolute power, his arrogance, his ability to ruin one’s future.

I have said this before – all my abuse was part of the same “thing” – I cannot separate the verbal or emotional abuse from the physical or sexual abuse. They were all esteem-destroying, identity–mangling, and soul-wounding. So – yeah – it does have a lot to do with CSA.

lee


Edited by traveler (11/14/12 08:29 PM)
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"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"