----Trigger waring----I'm talking about porn----
I went for drink with three girl friends after work, one has had birthday and we meet for short celebration. In the middle of conversation one friend has brought book to give it to other and I took it to see what is all about.
While reading it suddenly I've got confused. The book was about sex only, scenes were explicit and it was about SM.
It reminded me where I was mentally.
I must admit that I started to watch regularly porn many years ago (I'm scared to admit but it could be true that I watched near thousand of movies since early puberty and that number even soared in Internet era) and within years my habits developed and changed. I started with straight porn, switched to gay and moved around since than. Lately I was in some "nasty" things and I'm not proud about it.
I've always felt very dirty afterward. I know that it is in my case sort of numbing and escaping reality.
I go to therapy and slowly we are getting into feelings that I can't stand for long and which are source of my pain. It is something connected to my early childhood and probably I'll need to accept it as my integral part
Anyway yesterday while reading that crap of book I felt so lonely, empty and kind of sad, maybe I felt even triggered (some scenes stayed in my mind).
Off course that I didn't show anything to my friends, I even made couple of jokes about it. One friend couldn't believe that I figured what is that book about in less than 5 minutes of reading.
I can accept my weirdness and confusion while is not publicly displayed and if it is closed to my fantasy world but in company of my good friends I felt awkward and terrible, like some monster.
Troubles me the most seeing internal fight between two totally opposite sides that last for ages already. I don't know how will I ever learn to accept it and make some internal resolution (well at least I know what I'll have to work on in next 20 years
It is like I have two sides in constant fight, one is made of highest moral, very demanding and very strict and other one is without any limits always wanting more.
Just needed to share it and went it out