I understand. I am triggered frequently since the visit to the place of the abuse. the sensations are painful but part of me sees pleasure in what was done. part of me was there and part of me was not there. thses feelings so opposite, so conflicting. why do i feel there was some pleasure there and then feel sick from what happened. these conflicting feelings send me away. now i see him and the child crying or is he smiling? i am so confused. he should be crying but why isn't he. how can i have two eyes looking at the same memory so differently. i am lost and bewildered. i hurt inside but hope it is not so that any pleasure came from this abuse. am i alone in feeling this way.