Hey there Letourski! I've been actually feeling triggered myself almost everyday lately, and I can completely relate with you. For me, my abuse was mainly by men online for many years as I was a young teen and then men in person when I was older (and drunk). I felt that it was wrong, but "let" it happen at the same time, because like you said, it was how my body was supposed to react. I knew from a young age I was gay and liked "men", but I didn't know that just because I liked adult men at 12, 13 years old, that did not make it ok for me to actually get involved sexually with them. I feel much guilt about that too. I did not know how to make it stop, and for me, that was how I expressed my sexuality- by "letting" countless men take advantage of me- for 6 years.
But I have realised now how wrong it was, and I realise like you, why it is so confusing to fully relinquish guilt. Often when I feel triggered, I also become hyper-sexual... if not with men in person, than masturbating- to the point where my body is in much physical pain. I don't know what it is I am doing, but my mind does not want what my body feels compelled to do, and the whole time it is very confusing and painful physically and emotionally .... I am living a cycle, but seeing your post makes me realise- as it should yourself- that WE are not alone. We are not to blame. And WE have the power to work on our pain and move on from it.
I wish I had more than my experiences to contribute at this point, but it is comforting to know that we are not in this alone.
Finding meaning and Brotherhood