That’s how it feels right now. and I am not sure if I am in the wrecked car or watching it from outside. I guess it could be both. Today is a required assembly for all our high school students on sexual abuse. Today after school there is a required seminar for the teachers and staff. Tomorrow is smaller class-room sessions for the kids. The assembly is going on as I type this. I had the choice to attend or not. It is like the car wreck example – don’t want to look – but can’t look away. I really wanted to hear what they are telling the kids – but not sure I could take it. I decided not to go. later today will be enough – no – too much. I know it is important and necessary. But the motives of “protection, prevention and intervention” seem to be overshadowed by my feelings of vulnerability and even guilt. Not that I ever did anything to anyone – but I am an adult – and they are kids – and that is enough to trigger me at this time. And at the same time I am feeling like I did as a kid-victim myself. Very disorienting. I have lost the ability to just remove myself when I most need to. The only good thing is I have fewer classes to get through because of the assembly.
Oh - one other good thing – my T contacted the jerk who conducted the seminar last year and encouraged him not to state, claim, suggest or even imply that abuse victims are likely to become abusers. That myth was what kept me from seeking help for a long time – the fear of being branded a perpetrator – or potential one, myself. My T provided other, more accurate research – and got the assurance that the myth will not be repeated.
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago