I completely destroyed what I had done to the mask. Left the color, but the embellishment will be much different -- something the teacher will respond well to. I forgot that the primary role of school and higher education is not for insight and learning. How silly and stupid of me.
You know what galls me? Here I am studying to help guys with their csa/asa struggles to recover and , in order to get a grade I have to revert to an emotional and psychological pattern that had become so emotionally damaging that it was dangerous. It is not ironic. It is pathetic and very sad.
To get through some of the class work, i will have to polish up the pretty face, the one I present to the world, the artificial one that hides all my true feelings. The worse part is that I will be consciously manufacturing "evidence" of feelings I don't have for the sake of consciously convincing others of what I have figured out they want to hear. What's the worst part of this is it makes my work in therapy all the more difficult. Additionally, it has hurt my relationship with my therapist. I didn't fully before and that road to trust is a slow, tenuous one. The developments in class have turned him into another in the army of the enemy. Because of what I need to do to make a grade, I trust my therapist less, sometimes not at all. Thanks, professor!