up to now, sinse finishing my phd things have been great. I've been singing a lot, lifting weights, making real progress my voice and doing a lot of things just to relax.

I also started in a new production of iolanthe, which is prooving good fun particularly sinse I auditioned for and got the part I wanted without any disability related shenanigans.

So, things are good!

Accept, the music director. she is an Irish degree level music student who wants to do a second degree in mental illness and studdy music and emotion. She's incredibly intelligent, very kind, and the first time I sang the main tenor bit from iolanthe she ended up crying. we've really got on as friends, and I suspected things were going wrong over the past few weeks.

earlier tonight I had a two hour one to one rehearsal with her, where she even got me doing singing exercizes not because I needed to do them but because she considdered my voice so beautifull. she started telling me personal things about herself,, and of course I listened, and we finished up singing duettes.

And yes, my feelings have betrayed me again! I know all the signs, and I think I'm falling in love again! god no! why in hell do I do this! the disturbing part, is that she's someone who would be right if only things worked, indeed she finished our rehearsal with a hug and I didn't even flinch, however she also casually mentioned earlier on she has a boyfriend as seems to be usual with anyone I fall for.

Why do I still do this? I know it is bad, I know what it will cost me, I know what it has cost me in the past, yet I still end up feeling this! it is my own fucking stupid fault for not! realizing that that hole area of life causes nothing but pain!

Why can't I stick to my resolution? I have music, that is enough.

It would be so easy if she hated my guts or was deeply unpleasant, however if she was, I wouldn't have fallen for her emotionally in the first place. God I'm an idiot! If I could burn out the part of my brain that caused me to feel this for someone I else I'd do it in an instant.

Sorry for yet another one of these, but I just need to let this out, then maybe I can go back to my resolve as usual.


Luke.